The Fredscape Collective present:
The Horrible Truth About The Spice Girls
- everything you always feared about the spice girls is true! -

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New: spice girls mutated beyond all recognition!

To horribly go where no-one cared to go before...

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As you might have guessed this isn't just an ordinary Spice Girls fan-page. No, it really ain't. These ladies might be considered nice, good-looking, modern and the ultimate in present-day girl-bands, but that just looks that way...and is part of a very sneaky conspiracy plotted to undermine the sanity of normal people.
You are not in any way obliged to read on and have all your dreams and fantasies about these innocent looking girls shattered brutely, but it would be appreciated by the writer :)

And don't forget to read the disclaimer!)


Overview

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The Spice Girls are a rather famous English girl-band, and it consists of a number of NATO generals, several musicians, make-up artists, two singers, five girls-members and a songwriter. This band isn't just a band, but it's much more. Just like a lot of modern-day boy- and girl-bands, it didn't grow together like they usually do, but was constructed by the record-company. And this time not just to make brute amounts of money, but to achieve some entirely different goals that will be explained to you when you read the history-part of this page. The best-known members of this band are:

Emma - psycho in disguise
Lovely little Emma Emma is a small and nice-looking girl that joined the band when she was almost run over by Victoria's taxi. Her real name is Emma Swashbuckle and she's seventeen years old. Her hobbies are skydiving, eating large amounts of paprika chips and collecting empty Guiness cans. She also has a severe passion for the classic science-fiction movie "Blade Runner", and she had the brilliant idea to steal the mood of that movie for their newest video!

Mel B. - horrible gnome of doom
Our Laplandian Princess! Mel B. is a twenty-two year old inhabitant of the Laplandian tundras, and her real name is Mél Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer. You can imagine why they use Mel B. instead. Before she started her career as a member of the Spice Girls she hunted game and clubbed harp seals together with the rest of her family, but when her family was killed by environmental terrorists she was dicovered by an impressario and absorbed by the group. Her hobbies are swimming, clubbing harp seals, building iglos and painting Tundra-landscapes.

Mel C. - "I love goats!"
She Who Kicks Xena's Arse And Enjoys It! As a former mercenary from somewhere in the Balkans, Melanie Czipcksky joined the Spice Girls after her succesful attempt to assasinate some Nato Generals (see the history for more info). She is twenty-five years old and trained by some of the very best in guerilla warfare, so you'd better try not to get into a fight with her. She collects small arms and Kalashnikov posters, and likes to listen to speed- and deathmetal while she works out. Her favorite food is smoked roast-beef.

Victoria - farm queen
The ultimate taxi-driver Obsessed by missing left socks, Victorya Anetta Shlojngue left the Polish farmlands and came to London in search of money, adventure and a left sock. She became a taxi driver in greater London and was discovered by Mel B when she stepped into a cab. She almost ran over Emma and discovered her that way, and she likes to watch Russian horror-movies and does a great amount of jogging.

Geri - mutated beyond all recognition!
Our favorite stewardess... Ms. Geri Dunlow used to work as a stewardess for British Airways and as a part-time call-girl before she joined the Spice Girls. Vanilla Ice met her when arriving in London and tried to hire her, but that didn't go too well so he got her into the group instead. She is addicted to soap-operas and is known to know the entire plot of "As the world turns", and she loves to listen to Pavarotti when she is busy with her second hobby: cooking. Geri is an excellent cook but never wanted to make it professional because she hates doing the dishes. She has been kicked out of the group recently because of a skin disease making her look utterly ridiculous.

Vanilla Ice - ultimately uncool
How cool can't you possibly be!? As a songwriter for the Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice travels around the world with them to get his inspiration, and he often turns to one of Hollands greatest songwriters Ben Cramer for advice. After he lost all his belongings and rights to his own music to some nice rap-dudes he devoted his life to writing melancholic and empty songs. He collects albums with German folk-music, breeds frogs within his suitcase and likes to drive (and crash!) fast cars whenever he gets a chance.


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Latest Gossip!!

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Our secret sources within the record-company that have constructed (or spawned, whatever you prefer) our lovely Spice Girls have informed us of some rather horrifying facts that we must share with the public. We cannot guarantee that these things are in any way true or whatsoever, but we just post them here so you can decide for yourself.

Breakup was orchestrated by frogs!!! The destruction of this horrible, slimy "girl band" that succeeded in producing the most revolting noises *ever* has appartently been destroyed by an unknown source, presumably a splinter group of the not so well known leage of independent laplandian gnoo salesmen. This leage, that has been feared throughout the civilized parts of europe, has done something that has never been tried before. Instead of tactical nukes, nerve gas and exploding banana's, they tried a radical new approach. They called them and kindly asked them to try and imitate an aubergine as best as they could. The best imitation would win a nice price! So ... three weeks later, when the police stormed the compound where the spice girls where stored, they found nothing but some aubergines. These were taken and eaten the same night by the police corps in honour of the fallen.

Nato executives where unavailable for comments at the time.

Geri gets Andorran Skin Disease!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. The real reason for Geri's sudden dissappearance is the fact that she has contracted an horrible skin disease from a mysterious Andorran goat. This skin disease causes the victim's skin to turn white, with red spots on select locations. The disease also has a profound impact on the victim's hair, causing it to curl tremendously and turn very red. It is obvious that poor Geri can't cope with her new looks, especially due to the fact that her mental state hasn't been too stable lately. Until her condition has stabilized she has been kicked out of the group, and has been locked in a freight container somewehere in London. We'll keep you informed.

Spice Girls Scream Loudest What we all feared has been proven true: the combined screaming-power of the Spice Girls is the noisiest and deadliest sound in the world, according to the Russian scientist Dr. Vladymir Kzostov. Formerly employed by the Soviet military research department, Mr. Kzostov has spent 27 years in the field of sonic warfare-research and has been nominated for this year's Nobel War-Prize. According to his report, the noise emitted at a typical Spice-Girls concert is nearly thrice as loud as a normal Space Shuttle-launch, and he has discovered that those things on stage everybody believes are microphones are inf fact not. These are in reality sophisticated anti-sound projectors that in fact eliminate most of the noise produced by the Spice Girls. Without these devices, Kzostov estimates, the noise produced will dwarf the explosion of the Krakatau. Rumor goes that the recent death of one of the Milli Vanilli-guys was due to sonic overload, caused by Victorya...poor man!

Spice Girls "meet" Aphex Twin It was to be expected, of course, and it has finally happened! The famous British techno/ambient guru Aphex Twin (Richard D. James) has remixed the Spice Girls' latest release "Spice up your life". Of course the remix has little to do with the original, save for some samples and a vague melody, and the rather onorthodox breakbeat combined with interesting screeching and moaning metallic noises give the remix a typical twist. The rather sensational videoclip, set in a not too distance post-'Spice up yer life" future, features five man-sized, brightly colored fluffy bears with the faces of all spice girls attached, which are chased by Aphex Twin and his flamethrower. At the end the burned corpses are run over (again and again) by Aphex' armored car, surrounded by a big crowd of celebrating children. You can get a good impression of it by visiting http://www.warp-net.com and follow the links to the "Come to daddy"-videoclip (in realvideo-format)

Royal Spice Girls? This must be one of the most horrifying ideas for the British people. As you might know, the British are mildly fascinated by their monarchy, and that's a weakness the Spice Girls will apparently use for their own devious goals, like world domination and that sort of things. So they brutally invited themselves for a dinner-party at Buckingham Palace, not unlike the way the terrorize a restaurant in their Wannabe-video, and started breaking things and smeared the Royal Bed with peanut butter. Prince Charles was rather upset when he found out that his entire video-collection of Camilla Parker Bowles' nudie-shots had been taken, copied and sold to a major video-rental company, which has announced to release the series within a month or two. The Royal Family has declared a state of utter emergency and seems to be in disorder. All according to plan, of course....

Does Mel C. have an affair with Gala? Yes, it sounds almost too gross to be true, but our sources have confirmed that Mel C. and Gala have been sighted together in the more notorious parts of the London club-scene, walking hand in hand into the infamous "Pink Slut Club" where an audience of over 300 people watched the famous band Rock Bitch perform their, ehm, interesting show. Afterwards our source, who had disguised herself as a Taxi-driver, drove both Gala and Mel C. to the London Sheraton, and on the way she heard some pretty disgusting sounds coming form the rear seats. Apparently Gala and Mel C. were so impressed by Rock Bitch's performance that they'd decided to replay the more vulgar parts of the show together, but couldn't wait to get to the hotel...

Emma beats up Vanilla Ice! We of the Fredscape Collective have always thought that sweet looking Emma isn't as sweet as shee looks, and it seems that we're right! It all happened during the preparations of a concert in Berlin, when Vanilla got lost in the catacombs and walked into Emma's dressing room by accident. Emma was just putting on her wig when the startled Vanilla Ice came in and started screaming his guts out. And when Emma started treating him on some vague but rather lethal-looking kicks he started screaming even more. And that was his luck, for security stormed in and found the unconcious and heavily bleeding Vanilla on the ground with a raving and screaming Emma still kicking him. Security had to sedate Emma and tie her up before the medical personnel could rush in and reanimate Vanilla Ice. He had to spend two weeks on the intensive care and now suffers from a severe mental trauma...he's scared to death whenever he sees a young girl with white hair.




The true history of the Spice Girls

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It all started a long, long time ago, long before anyone had ever imagined the high-tech and wild nineties as they are now (if you hadn't noticed that already: these are the wild and high-tech nineties! Yahooo!!!), there was a small family of Inuit people living alongside a pretty cool piece of tundra somewhere in the more remote and rather dull parts of Lapland. This small family kept itself alive with the hunting of all kinds of furry animals, and they regularly had clashes with some of those environmentalists about the clubbing of cute little harp seals. The environmentalists claimed these seals were endangerd and cute and very popular with kids and more of that stuff, so they ordered the family to stop clubbing those beasties and find a job or something. The family declared that clubbing cute furry animals *was* their job and that they would die gruesomely or live from welfare if they'd stop, so the environmentalists got quite angry and started to behave themselves so badly that the family saw no other option than to club and skin them, and sell the resulting leather on the market.

Of course Greenpeace didn't wait long with an "appropriate reaction", and they blasted every one of the family and burned the corpses in a very happy and party-like fashion, after which they ravaged the cool piece of tundra and turned it in to a not so cool piece of tundra...standard Greenpeace procedure, mind you. But they forgot just one tiny thingie...damn them.

The oldest daughter of the family, called Mél Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer, had been out hunting and clubbing during the onslaught and therefor got the surprise of her life when she returned to the scorched remnants of her family's iglo-estate. And she stood speechless until a bus filled with irritating tourists stopped and flooded the place with an awful amount of noise and Japanese people....then she finally cried out in her typical yodel-like way and scared the hell out of everyone....except for an impressario from London (we won't tell you his real name, so we'll just call him Jan-Jaap). Jan-Jaap was quite impressed, for that is his job as an impressario, and he offered the screaming girl a contract at some vague big record-company.

This record company had just recently targeted almost half of the population with a very devious and gruesome method, and it yielded such immense effect and revenue that the company was desperately seeking for a way to get an hold on the other half of the country. This method, better known as the sneaky and seductively oiled boy-groups, had sent millions of innocent girls screaming and wetting their pants whenever they were shown on the telly, played on the radio or were used succesfully as an advertising gadget. So half the continent became destabilized in political and, more important, economical aspect, and the governments of all affected nations combined forces to stop this deadly tide, by whatever means possible. An attempt with tactical nuclear weapons was barely avoided when a the destruction of greater-London was almost at hand, and just because some accountant in the houses of parliament just discovered that the loss of real-estate was slightly less profitable than the succesful halt of the boy-group epidemic. So the newly-formed and ultra-secret military task-force had to come up with a diffrent approach....and then Jan-Jaap had an idea!

Jan-Jaap presented his idea on a high-level conference in Brussels, but the implications of having every one's eardrums perforated and sealed with prefabricated kevlar-steel knobs were considered to be "a bit silly", so the bureaucrats came up with a radical new approach: the girl-band of doom! And Jan-Jaap was the one to create it....so he decided to go to Lapland to get some inspiration.

When he returned with the still screaming Mél Banitobia Tikkititatophinaer everyone was awestruck and becoming sincerely irritated untill Jan-Jaap told her to shut up or be forced to eat a bag of fried peppermints. When Mél started on her fifth bag and still happily munched along they kicked her in the arse and told her that she could forget becoming a movie-star if she'd continued to behave as morose as this...so she immediately stopped screaming and started discussing the movie-contract. At last they came to a deal: she would be leading a girl-band, code name "Girl Squad" until they became famous enough to send the entire male population drooling all over their belongings and worse, and afterwards she would be starring in a movie about the band and get her own talkshow about huskies on CNN.

So now the real work started! First of all, they needed someone to write the songs. And that was a very nasty piece of work, for the songs had to be utterly mindless and still creep into someones head as it were a vampire-maggot. They knew they had only two options about who to order to write these songs, but one was rather busy with his "Phantom of the Opera"-performance so they had to make a deal with Vanilla Ice. Jan-Jaap travelled to L.A. and tried to talk to mister Ice in person, but he was rather busy at the moment being intimidated and hanged out of the window up-side down by some people who could actually make rap-music, something he'd never been really able to do, so he had to wait some time. But then the deal was made real soon because poor Vanilla had just given away the rights to his own music to those nice rap-dudes and was in desperate need of cash to pay his "protection"-money to the same nice rap-dudes.

Meanwhile Mél B.T. was looking for some good-looking and horribly naive girls that wanted to become famous. Instead she found a London-Taxi driver called Victorya Anetta Shlojngue, a former Polish farm-lady that had come to the British capital in search of her missing left sock she'd lost when she was nine years old. Mél B.T. offered her a closet full of left socks and a one-way ticket back to Poland if she'd join her band. Victorya immediately started to complain in broken English that she wanted to make money to help rebuild the orphanage for silly-looking kids in Warsaw and needed an awful amount of money to do so. But seventeen-thousand left socks would also do nicely. Therefor Mél B.T. offered 17,500 socks. And you know this is an offer no Polish lady can ever refuse so she happily joined the "Girl Squad" and got twenty-five left socks in advance!

On their way back to the record company, that the government had nationalized for this project, Victorya's taxi trashed the bike of the gorgeous but rather Kelly Bundy-like Emma Swashbuckle...an ideal target for the devious Mél B.T. So she jumped out of the car and started screaming and raging about the scratch Emma's now deceased bike had left on Victorya's Taxi, so the confused and rather intimidated Emma was forced to join the group and repay the damage with the money (minus interest rate, of course) she earned that way. And they rode on.

A few days later Herr Doctor Ice arrived at Heathrow and was ready to start his work....but just after he had a talk with that lovely stewardess that treated him so kindly on this flight. So they started talking and Vanilla finally asked if Ms. Geri Dunlow had anything to do that evening...he was shocked by her response: "sure, but it'll cost ya, honey" for he was a farm-boy from a small village near Milwaukee and only just famous and so on. So when he and his "date" walked out of the terminal and found the entire crew of the "Girl Squad" waiting he became red and his nasty Milwaukee accent returned...but he quickly saved the day by claiming that Geri was his personal addition to the Squad and that she was ready for work. Geri was quite happy with this arrangement, especially for the fact that she had convinced Vanilla of the fact that she couldn't just do that sort of stuff for free. So, Vanilla was forced to pay her not only by the hour, but with additional hourly funding and expenses paid too.

The final day before the operation started the military command had a meeting with Jan-Jaap, Vanilla and the girls about the results achieved thus far. Nobody noticed the rather strange behavior of one of the military aides within the room, but when they did it was almost too late. Melanie Czipcksky was thought to be a rather nice and easy-going Nato-secretary from Sweden, but that was not the case. Ms.Czipcksky was from an obscure and little-known region in the Balkans, and she was rather pissed off about the fall of her beloved Communist Empire. So she had only one goal in her life: kicking some major ass in the Nato. That she did just after the start of the meeting. She executed three generals before Vanilla Ice managed to get her signing a deal with the record company, for they could use some vague paramilitary girl to spice things up a bit withing the Squad. She could even sing some ancient Yugoslavian and Bulgarian warsongs, though not very good. Its sounded more like Rambo clearing his throat but it was the idea that counted

At last the entire team was complete, and the real work started. While the girls were taking singing-lessons at Madame Straphonski's Singing School, Vanilla and Jan-Jaap tried to write songs that were empty but tangy enough to be of use. Emptiness wasn't the problem whenever Vanilla was involved, but the tangy part was the real nasty bit. After some truly gross and quite annoying pieces of work they both agreed to contact Ben Cramer and let him do the tangy bits. So after a few minutes' worth waiting the fax from Amsterdam arrived with some horribly melancholic and tangy Dutch tunes which they immediately translated roughly and ran to Madame Straphonski's to try them out.

But when they arrived they faced a truly remarkable problem: none of the girls was able to produce a steady and coherent note, so singing was an impossibility of the first magnitude!
Then Vanilla had an idea: the ancient art of play-backing! So they immediately contacted Milli Vanilli, cousins of Vanilla Ice, and explained the problem to them. They started yelling and screaming and claimed they never ever had play-backed in their entire carreer, but that was as true as can be because they hadn't ever had a carreer as such, so another deal was made....the songs would be sung by Milli Vanilli and piched up in real-time to sound even more feminine! An excellent move!

So the Spice Girls became famous, and their goals were easily achieved: now the entire population was coerced and happy thanks to all sorts of boy- and girl-bands. But the secret organization behind this coercion wasn't satisfied....the men in black wanted more power, and more happy people. Europe was conquered, but the States weren't affected enough to their liking, so the devious plan of a Girlie tour to the USA was plotted and prepared as the military operation it essentially was. And was executed according to plan.

It worked almost too well....the fact that Hollywood has come up with the cute idea of making a Spice Girls movie shows enough. So if you're planning a trip to the States in order to escape from the terrifying pressure in Europe, plan something else. There is nowhere to run anymore....

Later on, when it turned out that coercing the population proved to be utterly useless because it was just as effective like coercing a herd of brain-dead cattle, and not at least as funny. So, the spice girls project was canned, the band members were locked up in a specially constructed compound (a wooden crate with a special coating, eg. concrete) located somewhere in Scotland (the bottom of Loch Ness), and the Nato officials geared up for their new goal ... something that has to do with mutant space frogs.

We'll keep you informed ...


Disclaimer
Don't be offended by this page, since it is all a bunch of crap we came up with when we were bored. Let us hope none of it is even remotely true, since in that case our future could be very bleak indeed....

idea and implementation by Goudvis and Fredman
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